What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 00:11
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
All the time i was locked up.
Ive learnt so much.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I have no regrets .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I write beautiful poetry .
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I waited trembling.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
How can a person develop advanced brain power?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was 9 years of age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Comes on , in middle age.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He knew the spot.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It was going to be , some day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were not on the streets..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was in good health!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She wouldn,t have been !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is soul school!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What did i know ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I don,t even have a pension.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
I will be 64.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i lived it daily.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He resisted the act ,that day.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My life is so biszare .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot live in the past .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She married twice! .
Who then, do I blame.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!